Kerry Docherty, co-founder of the family-owned clothing and lifestyle brand Faherty, recently sat down with Liz Tenety on The Motherly Podcast to discuss her new memoir, Selfish: Unlearning, Reclaiming, and Telling the Truth. The book delves into Docherty’s personal journey, exploring themes of marriage, motherhood, business, and the often-complex relationship between ambition and self-care. Docherty’s candid conversation offers a compelling look at the societal expectations placed upon women, particularly mothers, and the profound liberation that can come from embracing one’s own needs and desires.

The memoir, released to considerable attention, unpacks Docherty’s experiences as she navigated the demanding landscape of building a successful business while also fulfilling traditional roles within her family. She candidly recounts the period following the launch of Faherty in 2013, where she prioritized her husband’s vision for the brand, often at the expense of her own creative and personal aspirations. This phase, marked by relentless work and sacrifice, led to feelings of burnout, depletion, and a loss of self. The turning point, as described in Selfish, came when Docherty began to intentionally incorporate "selfish" acts into her life – moments dedicated to her own passions and pursuits.

"Selfish is such an activating word," Docherty explained during the podcast interview. "I think women in particular are activated because we have been groomed and trained to put others first, to ensure other people’s needs are attended to before our own. A man can work at building a company and make a lot of sacrifices in his home life and relinquish his domestic duties, and he’s seen as ambitious." This societal double standard, she argues, is a significant barrier for women seeking to balance their personal fulfillment with their professional and familial responsibilities.

The memoir is structured around five core themes: marriage, motherhood, business, longing, and creativity. Docherty uses these pillars to illustrate her evolution from a woman who felt lost and drained to one who actively reclaims her individuality and creative spirit. The narrative traces her journey of unlearning ingrained societal expectations and reclaiming the parts of herself that had been suppressed.

The Genesis of "Selfish"

The title itself, "Selfish," is a deliberate provocation, intended to challenge conventional notions of female sacrifice. Docherty’s memoir aims to reframe the word, not as a mark of disregard for others, but as a necessary act of self-preservation and authentic living. She defines selfishness, in the context of her book, as "prioritizing the things that make me feel alive. It’s not necessarily about what makes me feel good, because sometimes we choose things that are maybe hard but we know in the long term will reward us." This nuanced definition highlights the proactive and strategic nature of self-care, emphasizing long-term well-being over immediate comfort.

Docherty’s decision to share such intimate details, including an emotional affair, in her memoir was a conscious choice driven by a desire for radical honesty. "When I set out to write this book, I wasn’t trying to be subversive. I just said, ‘What if I wrote a book about what it’s like to be me?’ That’s it. I want to write a book about what it’s like to be me, and I tell it honestly." This commitment to truth-telling, even when it might reveal less-than-likable aspects of herself, is central to the memoir’s impact. She acknowledges the potential for this candor to affect personal relationships, noting that the book has "expanded the edges of our marriage in a way that is so much more beautiful, but it has also been a real calibration and painful process to get here."

Building a Business with Family: Navigating the Intertwined Lines

Co-founding Faherty with her college boyfriend, who is now her husband, and his twin brother presented a unique set of challenges and rewards. Docherty reflected on the blurred lines that often exist when working with family. "I always joke that working with your husband can make or break the marriage," she said. "I think in the beginning, there was no separation between who we were from a wife-and-husband perspective and who we were as business partners. I still have to say, ‘Are you talking to me right now as my husband or are you talking to me right now as my business partner?’ Because those lines are very enmeshed.” This dynamic highlights the importance of clear communication and boundaries, even within the closest familial and professional relationships.

Faherty, launched in 2013, has since grown into a prominent surf-inspired clothing and lifestyle brand. Docherty currently serves as Chief Impact Officer, leading initiatives focused on social and environmental change. Her work has been instrumental in Faherty achieving B Corp Certification, a testament to the company’s commitment to balancing profit and purpose. This role underscores her dedication to making a positive impact, a drive that complements her personal journey of self-discovery and fulfillment.

Motherhood and Selfhood: A Delicate Balance

The memoir also explores the inherent tension between being a dedicated mother and maintaining one’s individual identity and needs. Docherty shared her ongoing efforts to reconcile these roles. "One of the things that I’ve struggled with, but I hope that I’ve shown my kids, is that I am a mom and my job is to keep [them] safe. And also, I am an individual that has needs, and I’m not afraid to show them when some things are hard for me or not working or I need alone time or I just can’t do something because I feel depleted, and trying to give language to the kids around that." This approach emphasizes modeling emotional intelligence and self-awareness for her children, demonstrating that a mother’s needs are valid and important.

Practically, Docherty defines "selfishness" as a mother in terms of active self-prioritization. "I’m really prioritizing myself. I know how I feel when I tend to my inner psyche and my emotional landscape. I’m talking about really tending to my inner psyche and my heart, making sure I journal, making sure I’m talking kindly to myself, making sure I’m in the community, making sure I’m giving out my gifts to the world." This holistic view of self-care encompasses emotional, mental, and social well-being, recognizing that tending to these areas is crucial for overall health and happiness.

Recalibrating Work and Life

The process of writing Selfish and reclaiming her creative life necessitated a recalibration of her professional responsibilities. "Writing this book and accessing my creativity was something that I prioritized," Docherty stated. "There have been sacrifices I’ve had to make. I’m not as much in the day-to-day of the operations of Faherty as I used to be, but it’s great because the company has grown, and so we have an amazing team that’s filled in the gaps. But there has had to be a recalibration of how I’m spending my time." This strategic adjustment allowed her to dedicate the necessary time and energy to her writing, demonstrating a willingness to delegate and adapt her professional role to accommodate her personal growth.

The Liberating Power of Authenticity

The act of releasing her memoir into the world has been a profoundly liberating experience for Docherty. "The act of having it out in the world has felt very much like a new chapter for me. There are no more secrets. And there is something so liberating to be seen as exactly who I am and not having shame in it. I can’t tell you what it’s like. It’s a fascinating experiment." This sentiment underscores the transformative power of vulnerability and authenticity, suggesting that shedding the burden of secrecy can lead to profound personal freedom.

Legacy and Lessons for Mothers

Docherty’s hope for Selfish is to spark conversations and empower other women. "I hope this book sparks conversation. I hope it gives women permission to feel brave, to figure out what their needs are, and then to share them in whatever capacity that might be." Her ultimate aspiration is for women to embrace their own needs and desires without guilt, recognizing that self-fulfillment is not antithetical to being a good mother or partner.

The memoir’s provocative closing thought, that she wants her tombstone to read "Here lies a selfish woman," encapsulates her redefinition of the term. She envisions the legacy of a "selfish woman" as "a woman who chooses herself and does what she wants because she knows that her liberation depends on it." This powerful statement reframes selfishness as an act of liberation, a necessary choice for a woman’s autonomy and well-being.

Motherhood’s Superpowers and Surprises

Reflecting on Motherly’s belief that motherhood brings out superpowers, Docherty identifies "truth-telling and being honest" as her own. She acknowledges that this can sometimes be disruptive, but ultimately, "choosing a life that feels authentic to me has been a superpower for me." This resonates with her memoir’s central theme of radical honesty.

When asked about the most surprising aspect of motherhood, Docherty cited its sheer physicality. "I don’t think I knew how physical it was going to be. The lifting, the wiping, the feeding, the act of keeping a child alive was so much harder than I thought. It should seem obvious, but I don’t think I prepped myself for how much tending I needed to do." This candid admission highlights the often-underestimated physical demands of early parenthood, a reality that can be both humbling and profound.

The conversation with Liz Tenety on The Motherly Podcast provides a deep dive into Docherty’s personal and professional journey, offering valuable insights for anyone navigating the complexities of modern womanhood, entrepreneurship, and parenthood. Her memoir, Selfish, serves as a potent reminder that embracing one’s own needs is not only permissible but essential for a life lived with authenticity and unbridled creativity.