Pranda MichaelaThe interview, hosted by Liz Tenety, dives into the nuanced realities of co-founding a business with a spouse and partner. Docherty humorously notes the blurred lines that can emerge: "I always joke that working with your husband can make or break the marriage. I think in the beginning, there was no separation between who we were from a wife-and-husband perspective and who we were as business partners. I still have to say, ‘Are you talking to me right now as my husband or are you talking to me right now as my business partner?’ Because those lines are very enmeshed." This highlights a common challenge for many couples navigating professional and personal spheres simultaneously, where clear boundaries are crucial for maintaining both a healthy relationship and a thriving business.
Docherty’s memoir, as she explains, is structured around five core themes: marriage, motherhood, business, longing, and creativity. The narrative begins with her experience as a new mother, where she describes a period of significant career sacrifice to support her husband’s vision for Faherty. This intense focus on external goals, while a common narrative in entrepreneurial journeys, led to her own feelings of depletion and a loss of self. "The memoir explores five different themes: marriage, motherhood, business, longing, and creativity," Docherty states. "You see me struggling with burnout. I sacrificed my career to ensure that my husband’s and his twin brother’s dream of starting this clothing company came true. It explores the journey for me in reclaiming what makes me feel alive and what are the consequences of that — not from a right or wrong perspective, but just watching my journey of what unfolds."
The title, "Selfish," is intentionally provocative, a word Docherty believes resonates deeply with women. She posits that societal conditioning has trained women to place others’ needs above their own, a stark contrast to how male ambition is often perceived. "Selfish is such an activating word," she explains. "I think women in particular are activated because we have been groomed and trained to put others first, to ensure other people’s needs are attended to before our own. A man can work at building a company and make a lot of sacrifices in his home life and relinquish his domestic duties, and he’s seen as ambitious." This observation touches upon the persistent gendered expectations that shape career trajectories and personal fulfillment for women. Data consistently shows that women disproportionately bear the burden of unpaid care work, impacting their professional advancement and personal well-being. For instance, a 2023 report by the OECD found that women globally spend nearly twice as much time on unpaid care and domestic work as men, a disparity that directly affects their ability to pursue personal ambitions and creative endeavors.
Docherty’s redefinition of "selfish" is central to her message. She proposes it not as an act of disregard for others, but as a conscious prioritization of one’s own well-being and passions. "I’ve come to define it as prioritizing the things that make me feel alive," she says. "It’s not necessarily about what makes me feel good, because sometimes we choose things that are maybe hard but we know in the long term will reward us. And for me, the most selfish act is unbridled creativity. I want to write about my life even though it might be painful for other people." This perspective reframes "selfishness" as a necessary component of authenticity and self-preservation, particularly for creative individuals who need space to explore their inner worlds.
The memoir’s radical honesty extends to intimate aspects of Docherty’s life, including details about an emotional affair. She addresses the impact of this candor on her marriage, highlighting a journey of profound recalibration and growth. "I so wanted and craved a marriage where we could truly be exactly who we are in all of our messiness and still choose each other," she shares. "And so this book in some ways has expanded the edges of our marriage in a way that is so much more beautiful, but it has also been a real calibration and painful process to get here." This openness underscores the idea that true intimacy in relationships often requires confronting difficult truths and navigating complex emotional landscapes together. Research in relationship psychology consistently points to open communication and the willingness to address vulnerabilities as key factors in marital resilience and longevity.
Docherty also discusses the delicate balance between being a devoted mother and maintaining her own needs. She emphasizes the importance of modeling this balance for her children, showing them that personal well-being is not a luxury but a necessity. "One of the things that I’ve struggled with, but I hope that I’ve shown my kids, is that I am a mom and my job is to keep [them] safe. And also, I am an individual that has needs, and I’m not afraid to show them when some things are hard for me or not working or I need alone time or I just can’t do something because I feel depleted, and trying to give language to the kids around that." This approach aligns with modern parenting philosophies that advocate for emotional authenticity and self-care as integral components of healthy family dynamics. Studies on child development suggest that children who witness their parents practicing self-care are more likely to develop healthy coping mechanisms and a positive self-image.
In practice, Docherty describes "selfishness" as a mother as actively tending to her inner life. "I’m really prioritizing myself," she states. "I know how I feel when I tend to my inner psyche and my emotional landscape. I’m talking about really tending to my inner psyche and my heart, making sure I journal, making sure I’m talking kindly to myself, making sure I’m in the community, making sure I’m giving out my gifts to the world." This holistic approach to self-care involves introspection, self-compassion, community engagement, and the utilization of one’s talents.
The recalibration of her work-life balance was a direct consequence of prioritizing her personal creative pursuits. Docherty explains that while she is not as involved in the day-to-day operations of Faherty as she once was, the company’s growth has allowed for a strong team to fill those gaps. "Writing this book and accessing my creativity was something that I prioritized," she says. "There have been sacrifices I’ve had to make. I’m not as much in the day-to-day of the operations of Faherty as I used to be, but it’s great because the company has grown, and so we have an amazing team that’s filled in the gaps. But there has had to be a recalibration of how I’m spending my time." This strategic adjustment demonstrates a mature understanding of delegation and prioritizing tasks that align with personal fulfillment and professional evolution.
The act of publishing her memoir has been a profound turning point for Docherty, marking the beginning of a new chapter characterized by liberation and self-acceptance. "The act of having it out in the world has felt very much like a new chapter for me," she reveals. "There are no more secrets. And there is something so liberating to be seen as exactly who I am and not having shame in it. I can’t tell you what it’s like. It’s a fascinating experiment." This sentiment resonates with the therapeutic benefits of creative expression and public sharing, which can foster a sense of agency and freedom from societal judgment.
Docherty’s hope for her book is that it inspires other women to embrace their own needs and desires. "I hope this book sparks conversation," she expresses. "I hope it gives women permission to feel brave, to figure out what their needs are, and then to share them in whatever capacity that might be." This aspiration speaks to the broader goal of fostering a culture where women feel empowered to advocate for themselves and to define their own paths to fulfillment, free from the constraints of outdated societal expectations.
Her desire to have "Here lies a selfish woman" on her tombstone is a powerful declaration of her redefined understanding of the term. It encapsulates her legacy as someone who championed self-prioritization and authentic living. "I mean, my memoir is Selfish, so the word has stuck with me whatever the legacy may be," she notes. Ultimately, she hopes the legacy of a "selfish woman" is one of profound self-liberation. "I think it’s a woman who chooses herself and does what she wants because she knows that her liberation depends on it." This statement serves as a powerful call to action, encouraging women to recognize their own agency and the inherent value in prioritizing their own well-being and happiness.
When asked about her superpowers as a mother, Docherty points to her commitment to truth-telling and honesty. "Truth-telling and being honest," she states. "Sometimes it’s disruptive and sometimes I don’t do it in the right way. But I feel like choosing a life that feels authentic to me has been a superpower for me." This self-awareness highlights the courage required to live authentically, even when it challenges conventional norms or causes discomfort.
Her most surprising realization about motherhood was its sheer physicality. "I don’t think I knew how physical it was going to be," she admits. "The lifting, the wiping, the feeding, the act of keeping a child alive was so much harder than I thought. It should seem obvious, but I don’t think I prepped myself for how much tending I needed to do." This candid observation speaks to the often-underestimated physical demands of early parenthood, a reality that many mothers grapple with.
The interview with Kerry Docherty on The Motherly Podcast offers a compelling and nuanced perspective on the challenges and triumphs of modern womanhood. Her memoir, "Selfish," serves as a potent reminder that embracing one’s own needs and desires is not a luxury, but a fundamental aspect of living a full, authentic, and ultimately, a more impactful life. The conversation provides valuable insights for anyone navigating the intricate balance of personal ambition, familial responsibilities, and the ongoing journey of self-discovery.
